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Redneck Etiquette

Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.  Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.  Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.  If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining In Your Home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.  Do not allow the dog to eat at the matter how good his manners are.

Dating  (Outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive.  Let her know you are interested:  "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years ago. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00pm; others might say Monday, be flexible.

Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.  Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.  Tests have proven they can't hear you.


Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more that five seconds may get you shot.  For the groom, at least rent a tux.  A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.  Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.  Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.  When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring beer back.  Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

Never take a beer to a job interview.  Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.  It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.  If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the funeral home.


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