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Pop-Ins Maid Service Humor

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THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ANDY ROONEY

Ads in Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now?  Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels ... I  write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank You." 
  
 Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew  what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to  me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their  territory. You can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes. 
  
 Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there.   Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'.  'For Cripe's  sake. 'Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's?  The son of 'Gosh'  of the church of 'Holy Moly'?  I'm not making fun of it.  You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'? 
  
 Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby  kicking. They say,  'Oh my God.  He's kicking. Do you wanna  feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there.  Come  on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't  do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It  won't be long now..." 
  
 Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that  says, 'Sexy  Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your  grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl  contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday. 
  
 Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a  year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in  Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows.  I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I  think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want  to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator. 
  
 Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in  and vote on different issues?  Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know".  It costs 90 cents  to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know.  "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into  Phone) I DON'T KNOW!"  (Hangs up looking proud.)"Sometimes  you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95  to say "I'm not in the mood." 
  
 Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny,  positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's  a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you  are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep."  "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of  being positive,  your test is back. Stop sharing the love."

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