Adam: Good man but problems with his wife. Also
one reference
told of how his wife and he enjoy walking
nude in the woods.
Noah: Former pastorate of 120 years with not even
one convert. Prone
to unrealistic building projects.
Abraham: Though the references reported wife-swapping,
the facts seem
to show he never slept with another man's
wife, but did offer to share his
own wife with another man.
Joseph: A big thinker, but a braggart, believes
in dream-interpreting,
and has a prison record.
Moses: A modest and meek man, but poor communicator,
even stuttering
at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts
rashly. Some say he left an
earlier church over a murder charge.
David: The most promising leader of all until we
discovered the affair he had with his neighbor's
wife.
Solomon: Great preacher but our parsonage would never
hold all those wives.
Elijah: Prone to depression. Collapses under pressure.
Elisha: Reported to have lived with a single widow
while at his former
church.
Hosea: A tender and loving pastor but our people
could never handle his wife's occupation.
Deborah: Strong leader and seems to be anointed,
but she is female.
Jeremiah: Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative,
always lamenting
things, reported to have taken a long trip
to bury his underwear on the bank
of a foreign river.
Isaiah: On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels
in church. Has trouble
with his language.
Jonah: Refused God's call into ministry until he
was forced to obey by getting swallowed up
by a great fish. He told us the fish later
spit him out on the shore near here. We hung
up.
Amos: Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary
training he
might have promise, but has a hang-up against
wealthy people--might fit in
better in a poor congregation. Melchizedek: Great credentials at current
work place, but where does this guy come
from? No information on his resume
about former work records. Every line about
parents was left blank and he
refused to supply a birth date.
John: Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn't
dress like one.
Has slept in the outdoors for months on end,
has a weird diet, and provokes
denominational leaders.
Peter: Too blue collar. Has a bad temper-even has
been known to curse. Had a big run-in with
Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose
cannon.
Paul: Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating
preacher. However,
short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers,
harsh and has been known
to preach all night.
James & John: Package deal preacher & associate seemed
good
at first, but found out they have an ego
problem regarding other fellow workers
and seating positions. Threatened an entire
town after an insult. Also known
to try to discourage workers who didn't follow
along with them.
Timothy: Too young!
Methuselah: Too old . . . WAY too old!
Jesus: Has had popular times, but once his church
grew to 5000 he
managed to offend them all, and then this
church dwindled down to twelve
people. Seldom stays in one place very long.
And, of course, he's single.
Judas: His references are solid. A steady plodder.
Conservative. Good
connections. Knows how to handle money. We're
inviting him to preach this
Sunday. Possibilities here.