Martha Stewart Calendar:
December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint.
Turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.
December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing
Christmas message for answering machine.
December 3
Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pine cones,
fashion cat-o-nine tails. Flog gardener.
December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.
December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.
December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletters to Pulitzer committee for
consideration.
December 7
Debug Windows '95.
December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.
December 11
Lay Faberge egg.
December 12
Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.
December 13
Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters,
particularly for decorative pie crusts.
December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.
December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scent"
in case tires are shot out at mall.
December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor blades.
December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest is
the same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.
December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioners
sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.
December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange spice and
cinnamon sticks.
December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.
December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.
December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen
engaged in last-minute Christmas shopping, this making many
people feel less inadequate than they really are.
December 25
Bear son, Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scene
with homemade potpourri.
December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.
December 27
Create snow sculpture replica of Bethlehem.
December 31
New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a
friend in each
time zone of th world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.
Return