Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they
put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't
distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them.
I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee
grinds, banana peels ... I write, "Could you throw this away for me?
Thank You."
Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew
what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff)
'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can
take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your
clothes.
Cripes: My wife's from the Mid-west. Very nice people there.
Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.
'Who would that be, Jesus Cripe's? The son of 'Gosh' of the church
of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn
in 'Heck'?
Pregnancy: It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby
kicking. They say, 'Oh my God. He's kicking. Do you wanna
feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on!
It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when
I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that
says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother
that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder
where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a
year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll
take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already
have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and
board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a
day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want
to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in
and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like
18% that say "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and
vote...They're voting "I don't know. "Honey, I feel very strongly about
this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up
looking proud.)"Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe
you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95
to say "I'm not in the mood."
Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny,
positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, it's a great
day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought
for the day is 'Share the love.' Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic
calling....Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop
sharing the love."