Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite
a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there
an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon,
& we have 60 different prices to
$200 a gallon
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's
all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that
$12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's
my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the
$200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get
the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start late at night
in about 3 weeks. But you'll
have to agree to start painting before Friday
of that week & continue
painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be *&%^#@* kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any
paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint!
I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint
available. We sell only a
certain number of gallons on any given weekend.
Oh, and by the way, the
price
per gallon just went to $16. We don't have
any more $12 paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and
rules hundreds of times a day, and
since you haven't actually walked out of
the store with your paint yet, we
just decided to change. I suggest you purchase
your paint as soon as
possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make
that six, so I'll have enough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If
you buy paint and don't use it,
there are penalties and possible confiscation
of the paint you already have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your
kitchen, bathroom, hall and north
bedroom, but if you stop painting before
you do the bedroom, you will lose
your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use
all the paint? I Already paid
for
it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea
that all our paint is used,
every drop. If you don't, it causes us all
sorts of problems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something
terrible happens if I don't
keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallon you bought automatically
becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint
on sale from $10 a liter" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint.
It only comes in half-gallons. One
$5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second
half-gallon to complete the
room is $20. None of the cans have labels,
some are empty and there are no
refunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy
what I need somewhere else!
Clerk: I don't think so. You may be able
to buy paint for your bathroom &
bedrooms, & your kitchen & dining
room from someone else, but you won't be
able to paint your connecting hall &
stairway from anyone but us. And I
should point out, sir, that if you paint
in only one direction, it will be
$300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint
was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room
to the point at which you
started.
A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the
hall, but only paint in one
direction, you'll confiscate the remaining
paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use
fee plus the difference on your
next
gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting
it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.
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